Fat Wednesday

i never mentioned madrid, getting there, being there, or getting back.
this last was me missing carneval
returning too late, carneval passed by in a room on tracks, tired, relieved, hurting, bleeding, bearing gifts, cold outside to warm inside.
Spanish planes and german trains washed off prickling skin along with the smell of darkened rooms, oranges, sweat.
Why not submit myself to german over-hygiene. The change in location immediately apparent as soon as I walk into the self cleaning toilet.
I liked the dustiness of spain, the disarray. They are almost there, almost fully modernized Europe, but not there yet. Every corner is under construction
I imagine the only drawback to living in Madrid would be the difficulty of riding a bike through it. But then again you can walk everywhere interesting, and the metro is literally the cleanest easiest easiest system I’ve ever had the pleasure never getting lost in. good job.

This is egostistical. I’ve been reading up on depression. Apparently there is no way to snap out of it. Which I don’t like to hear because I don’t like hard work. Id be more patient but the whole crying at the drop of a hat, (or pencil, spoon or word or anything or nothing at all) is starting to impede actually functioning in daily situations. I wake up and cant get up, I go to sleep red eyed, I weep over my breakfast teacup and drink teary black tea, I excuse myself from composing correct sentences in german class in order to go to the bathroom and compose myself. I feel bad when someone says something thoughtless but am more likely to cry when someone says something nice. Its as though the idea of someone being sympathetic to me is overwhelming.
So, it’s annoying, this soppy state of being. Ive never liked people seeing me cry. I used to avoid it at all costs. For a few years I just stopped crying. I never cried. Maybe once or twice in all those years.
It would be too bad to think that now I have to make up for it. If I knew it worked that way, I wouldn’t have tried so hard back then, and maybe done some preventative wailing in some choice private moments, or semi-private moments. Crying can be powerful, if used correctly you know. Maybe I should have tried to put it to work and use it to my advantage instead of scoffing the whole idea that emotional displays are manipulative and refusing to break down. Ever. In any case, a little prevention goes a long way.

I am making sure I drink enough water of course, to make up for the loss. And also eat things with salt. Ive been saving the tissues used up so far, to weigh later on. So far they fill a chocolate box.

I think I will use this as a way to keep track of my thinking. I know that I am building patterns of negative thinking, so maybe putting them in a semi-public forum will force me to be extra aware of them. Being embarrassed about what other people think is as good a motivation as any to change back into a normal human. To norminate yourself, no, to re-adjust, whatever. In fact airing paranoias seems cathartic